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Giving control back to Him–AGAIN!

Walking moment to moment by faith doesn’t come easy to any follower of Jesus, not even missionaries.  Julie Rumph, a SSMF missionary serving in South Africa shares what led to her latest lesson from God about the dangers of seeing and doing things on her own.

I know I must have written this post before, or at least one very similar.

You see, just in case you didn’t know, I’m human. A very human human as it turns out. I need to be taught the same lesson many times and still sometimes don’t learn it.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll remember this one for a little longer this time. Maybe.

It’s weird when a missionary says they have to remember to walk in faith.

But I’M not a “missionary”. I’m just Julie. Same flawed person I’ve always been. People see me differently, treat me differently, and even expect different things of me since I made this change in career direction.

Mostly I still feel like me.

Oh sure, I’ve learned a lot about trusting the Lord and seeing His work with a different, more eternal perspective, but people are people. Humans are human. So here I am a “missionary” saying it out loud.

I forgot to let God be in control. I tried to do it on my own and it’s not really working.

I’ve had an unusually frustrating week. I woke up on Monday with a headache, one of those stress ones that no matter how much Tylenol you take never goes all the way away.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am again trying to get licensed to officially practice physical therapy here in South Africa. The mass volumes of bureaucratic paper work is astounding, on both sides of the Atlantic. And I hear story after story after story about people trying for years and not being successful here.

It’s disheartening and frustrating on many levels and for many reasons that I don’t feel I need to exactly detail here.

Work has provided some other challenges lately too. We have lost some staff and it’s been difficult sharing the responsibilities of that position among those of us left behind.

Yesterday was my day in court, almost. I had been summoned to testify against the man who broke into my car. Needless stress over finding the courthouse, where to park, what to do….all for it to be postponed after sitting and waiting for two hours.

And then back to more of the everyday stressors. One of those times where you actually feel like running ladders or stadiums just to work it out.

I spoke with a friend about it today and with everything that had been building up., it didn’t help. I still felt as inept and down as I had before.

I soldiered through the day. Making myself be productive helped some–welcome to type A Julie. But it didn’t really solve anything.

I came home this afternoon and began working on checking off more things on the list. More and more feeling just yuck because I wasn’t seeing the big-picture, wasn’t seeing the point of it all.

BAM! Out of nowhere it comes back again. YOU have been trying to do everything.

Stupid, stupid girl!

Haven’t you learned this? Haven’t you testified to the fact that you’ve walked this road before?

Not knowing where the road is going, if change is coming, but giving it up and letting God work it out.

Have a little faith that the journey is taking everything to HIS end.

I’m not going to lie. I still feel a little stressed about working through some of the complexities of getting licensed here, but in that moment I might have grown an inch or two taller by letting some of the weight off my shoulders and trusting that Someone much wiser than me has this in His hands.

Either way, it will work for His glory.

Steps numbered, hairs on head counted and all that jazz.

Stop trying to do it all by your limited human self….again.

One day, I promise, I’ll find a new heart issue to blog about but it seems I’m doomed to repeat this till I learn it better.

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